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Tuesday, July 31, 2001

So what's going on

I decided to try to handle things creatively and positively, so I wrote out my thoughts and gave them to her. I just wanted to say what I think and feel, so she wouldn't feel I'm withholding. Because the truth is that I'm scared, and I don't like that.

We'll see how she responds.

I feel good physically, though, because I went out running with Tom tonight, and I think we're going to make it a regular thing. I was kind of stunned that I'm in as good of shape as I am, honestly.

And my evil twin may come visit this weekend. It would be lovely if it happens.

posted by Skattieboy @ 9:19 PM

Even more talking

About an hour after I posted that, there was yet another round of detente (if it could be called that), even worse, with more emotion, more tirades, and even more words. I found myself saying things I didn't think I would even want to say.

It all seems so silly, and yet when I'm in the situation, it just comes out of me.

I really don't know where this is going, but it doesn't look good.

Somehow I slept.

And now Pete Shelley and the Buzzcocks are serenading me, with my traditional three fluid glasses (O.J., ice water, and black coffee) and oatmeal, and I'm just feeling rather bewildered. I don't know how things got to this point, and I'm really questioning myself, whether I should even be in a relationship if this is how I'll be. Because Lordy knows I'm not making either of us happy.

*heavy sigh*

posted by Skattieboy @ 11:01 AM
Monday, July 30, 2001

In breaking news

Tonight's talk went even worse. Even more things were said, and I don't even know how to respond. This doesn't bode well at all.

posted by Skattieboy @ 9:44 PM

A perfectly sobering morning

So I’m feeling all kinds of disoriented, being home and not sure what to do. About anything. My answer to that was to lie on bed for a while, just staring at the ceiling and thinking. I finally did roll out around 9:30 (which is late for me, believe it or not), started the coffee brewing, and threw some music in the cd player (stuff I got from my brother, because he’s good to me that way. I started off with a pre-release cd from a wimpy indie rock band, Moviola, which was fairly nice and sedate, and moved on to some new stuff from the Dolomites, who are no longer as much a clone of the Pogues. And now it’s on to the soundtrack for “The Harder They Come”, with some old timey reggae, including Toots and the Maytals. I still think Toots has one of the most soulful voices I’ve ever heard). Then I pulled out some cereal I got before the trip, a Safeway brand knockoff of “Grape Nuts”, which reminds me of nothing else so much as dried out pencil erasers, only slightly less flavorful. Even some sweet rice milk and sugar couldn’t make the stuff palatable, but I washed it down anyway, if only because I thought it might restore my healthy regularity (that’s for you, Tab).

I’m still thoughtful, if only because I’ve been reflecting on how my life has changed since I moved here last September. I’ve been here almost a year now, and I’ll be here for quite a few more, and that makes me wonder about where I’ll be, who I’ll be by the time I’m finished.

Don’t ask me why I’m thinking this stuff.

John did come get me at the airport, and invited me over to his brother’s house after I got unpacked and oriented, so I did just that, but it all felt very… I dunno. Not relaxed. It could be because most of the guys there are just very frattish, drinking warm beer from a keg they tapped the night before, or else I just needed to relax some other way.

Instead, I came back, and got into a huge blowout with the girl, dating back to something I didn’t say and she thinks I should have, and no matter how much I apologize and explain, that just doesn’t seem to dissipate. I’m not saying I’m blameless at all, but it just kept building and building, with both of us saying stupid and hurtful things and then leaving it at that. Somehow, I managed to sleep afterwards, but I’m dreading the next exchange, even as I want to repair it. For that very reason, I’m trying to stay away from school as long as possible, because I’m a gutless weenie. I just want to sneak in for my couple hours at the desk and slip home.

*sigh*

My brother also gave me a book, “The Simpsons and Philosophy”, which looks interesting, but also seems a tad humorless, considering the subject matter. I’m hoping to be proved wrong.

Oh, and I really need a haircut.

posted by Skattieboy @ 2:13 PM
Sunday, July 29, 2001

Home again, home again jiggety-jig

Yeah, I got home okay.

I was thinking for the whole flight, especially reading the Eggers book (I'm almost done and then it's time for "American Gods" and maybe "Infinite Jest", while I still have time to read for recreation), and I've got to find that writing ability in me, which has really been absent for a while.

And I need some rest.

posted by Skattieboy @ 4:58 PM

More of the same

Hanging out, followed by hanging out, followed by yet more hanging out. It's my fault for taking such a short trip and trying to see everyone, but... I'm gonna need a vacation when I get back, I think.

At least I know I have a ticket for the flight back.

posted by Skattieboy @ 10:58 AM
Saturday, July 28, 2001

Not much to say, really

I've just been hanging out, relaxing, and finding my time pretty much getting eaten up by folks who want to see me. So I haven't even had much time to think or really compose anything suitable. Maybe when I get back tomorrow I'll have something in mind. Or maybe not.

Salt Lake is warm.

posted by Skattieboy @ 11:16 AM
Friday, July 27, 2001

In a weird place

Odd, odd day. Yesterday's disc golf was a nice prelude. Then I headed up the hill to see my old cohort in the lab (they're re-designing their webpage, so I may talk to them about getting someone like, mmmmm, Bryan to help with the design, if you're down with that?), only to find only a few of them around.

Then off to go see that infamous new monkey movie you're hearing about (and I have to say I enjoyed it. So the script isn't great. As I thought, it's not striving to re-do the original. The makeup is pretty good {not as happy with the gorillas as the other apes, but I'm a stickler that way}, some of the performances are nice {particularly Roth}, and there are some cheesy homages that had me rubbing my hands together gleefully. So yeah, I enjoyed myself.), then down to Burt's to hang out with my bartender pal and my buddy Chris. There was a pretty good straight-edge hardcore band from San Francisco playing (the irony of them playing in a bar wasn't lost on me), then a truly awful local band that chased us, so it was back here. Considering that I still have a cold, that was probably a good thing.

You should go pay your last respects to Asian Bastard here, by the way. And stick around to read the rest of the very wonderful Hidden City. I spend a lot of time there, although you'd never know it from my lack of responses of late.

Got a somewhat curious e-mail message from the girl, which has me a bit troubled, but I ain't gonna worry. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

It's Mongo's birthday, I believe, so wish him well.

And I'm still a bit off-kilter.

posted by Skattieboy @ 10:00 AM
Thursday, July 26, 2001

I'm still tired

Got up early to disc golf and for breakfast and am just enjoying the warm silence.

I'll have more thoughts. Some of 'em might even be somewhat deep.

Meanwhile, Asian Bastard retired. That makes me very sad.

posted by Skattieboy @ 10:58 AM
Wednesday, July 25, 2001

I'm here

So I sat there, stewing for a while, wondering if I would ever get on a flight or whether I'd have to find a ride home from DIA. And then I got a last-minute call from my brother, telling me to get on the plane.

I did. And bumpy flight or not, way back in the very last seat on the craft, it felt so amazing to be heading out, knowing I needed the recharge, the break. And we flew through anincredible cloud bank so breathtaking that I don't have the words to describe it, except to note that it was one of the most fucking beautiful things I've ever witnessed.

I read the rest of the Hornby and some of the Eggers on the flight, and both were amusing and engaging, and I didn't even notice the rest of the flight. And flying in, I didn't even recognize the Salt Lake Valley. Is it because it's not home anymore?

posted by Skattieboy @ 10:47 PM

Stop me if you think you've heard this one before

I'm pondering this trip, and things are different now. I know I've beaten on this drum before, but it just reallly affects me when I think on it. My life. MY LIFE. It's changed since the last time I was there, still trying to find myself in the program, in the city, in relation to others (okay, so that hasn't really changed all that much, but you weren't supposed to notice). It feels like I'm here now. My life. Here. I'm just a visitor there now.

And that's part of it, but there's also this part of me that looks at how that life has changed. And it has. I have new, separate friends, I've gotten much healthier, found someone I like a lot here, and I seem to be in that cycle where my life is transformed a bit, which happens every few years. And I don't know how to describe it, to you, to me. It just feels like a new phase.

In much less esoteric news, I'm still sick, but that stop me from running again yesterday. I was supposed to run with my friend Tom this morning, but that would have been at about a quarter to 5, and he never called, to my relief. Shambling zombie-legged around a track is just not a good way to start my day. Call me crazy. Nevertheless, I'm surprised by my conditioning when I have run, and I'm hoping to keep it up, while I have the determination.

I still haven't decided if I'm keeping the beard, so I'm waiting to get reactions before I make the choice to shave or not.

I'm also trying to figure out whether the Pogues make for good blogging music.
So I added a handful of fresh, steaming blogs to my Links page: Ed Rants, Matt Rossi, and Keith. They're all much cleverer than I, so I'll understand. Really.

I'm rather lame this morning. I'm sorry. Just a lot on my soggy noggin today, so forgive me, leave me a nice note and then piss off, the whole lot of you. I didn't mean that last part, by the way.

posted by Skattieboy @ 8:31 AM
Tuesday, July 24, 2001

Happy Birthday!!!!!

To Utah, a cesspool of a state, not because of nature, but because some out and out morons decided to populate the place and turn it into a mire of stupidity and intolerance. And to think, I'll be there again tomorrow...

posted by Skattieboy @ 3:21 PM

I'm gonna whine

I wanted to get up early to run today, because I managed to do it yesterday and felt marvelous after (even though I did it in the middle of the day, and although it was pretty cloudy, it was still around 80 or so, temperature-wise, and that's just not ideal, for any number of reasons you can probably deduce without me having to resort to condescension and whatnot), but my body just wouldn't comply, so I'm feeling frustrated and achy and tired and full of all kinds of interesting body fluids that would make for a tame episode of "The X-Files" (which has sometimes gotten a bit too gross for my taste, since they just seem to go for shock value at times), and golly, but that cold medicine makes for interesting stream-of-consciousness rants, doesn't it?

Let's take it down just a tad, shall we?

Can I just say that I love Nick Hornby and be done with it? No, I'm not done with the book yet (sorry, Aimee), but I keep finding little moments to treasure, chuckling aloud like some sort of buffoon. I think I'd better finish reading it before my plane flight, just so I don't raise too many eyebrows.

Today's musical theme is chick rock, by the way, so Kristin Hersh, Aimee Mann, and Julianna Hatfield are all spinning on the cd player. I don't know what really inspired it, other than the recent Hersh purchase, but it makes for an interesting wakeup experience, and frankly, I was overdoing Sloan. Not that that's possible, but I'm sure my roommates might disagree...

So yesterday was another lazy, odd day, in that I didn't accomplish much of anything. I finished reading "Bizarro Comics" (and I stick to my original evaluation there, which is that there are odd moments of brilliance and failure to be found. They really needed a better editor, frankly, and the wrap-around story was pretty worthless. I'm glad my brother bought it for me, as I'd have hated to pay out the nose for a hardcover like that), went running, tried to work on my assessment report but the power went out due to a freakish rainstorm, and wound up going to dinner with my friends Tom and Rachel to bide the time until Public Service Company of Colorado deigned to give us back our light. That was actually fairly amusing, in that they wanted to go to this "all-you-can-eat" soup and salad place (named "Souper Salad", a rather clever title, no?), only to find other powerless folks sprawling almost out the door, so instead they settled for Taco Bell (no comment necessary) and then over to a fairly nice dive-y bar, where the air conditioner was turned up WAY too high and the taps were out, so Tom and I settled for overpriced Rolling Rock in a bottle, and then we both proceeded to complain about how the beer possessed a flavor not too dissimilar to that of an alcoholic's urine, chilled. Oh, it made for pleasant conversation, I assure you.

But hey, I came back and my power was on, and the cold medicine started kicking in, and I ended the evening lying on the couch, moaning like an 80-year-old forced to walk up and down several flights of stairs, lugging two boxes of encyclopedias.

And that was my eventful day.

Before I forget, I just have to say that I've been blessed with several Santas of late: my not-so-evil twin, the entirely-too-kind Susan, and now Chance, who's lending me stuff like the latest Neil Gaiman novel, out of the goodness of his own heart. I don't know what I've done to deserve the generosity, but I think there's some karmic retribution coming back to them, some day.

(And, Lorene and Dylan, do you know how to use the "comments" system? Just wondering...)

posted by Skattieboy @ 10:27 AM
Monday, July 23, 2001

I really can take criticism

Go ahead. Be brutal. A little birdie already told me I've been a bit insufferable of late, and I'm digesting that, but any feedback y'all can provide would be most appreciated, unless it entails me wearing a sumo thong. And I'm probably even amenable to that, provided there's incentive to do so.

So yesterday was another one of those odd little Sundays that I seem to be having so many of lately. Almost as if they don't belong to my life, but somebody else's. I spent a sizable chunk of it going out to breakfast at Village Inn with Tom, John, and two strangers, and talking as much geekboy "Army of Darkness"/"Star Wars"/"Planet of the Apes" as could be contained in any conversation without more psychopathology being manifested. Then they went back to a house to drink beer, in high temperatures, with no air conditioning, and that just didn't seem like such a super option to me. Call me crazy.

I finished watching all of my "Six Feet Under" episodes after that (I haven't seen episodes 7 or 8 yet, so don't be sending me e-mail asking about them, okay?), and that had me thinking some more, too, especially since so much of the spirit of the series is invested in these characters finding out about each others' lives, especially their dead father, who proves to have had a secret life none of them knew about (and maybe the title is a bit heavy-handed given that, but it's excusable). Predictably, that makes me think, as I still have issues with my own deceased dad. But I think that's okay. I don't know if it's everyone's fate to be reflective, but I just think it's in my nature to be introspective. I haven't come to any conclusions because of it, but I am thinking.

I have a feeling my trip to Salt Lake is going to be another exercise in folks planning stuff for me, and I think there's going to be some disappointment. Maybe I'm just surly, but I kind of want to relax, and I do want to see friends and family, but is it too much to ask that it happen on my terms? I mean, travelling down to Springville (a round-trip of about an hour and a half of my limited time) to eat in what's probably a very mediocre Thai restaurant with my half-brother and his family, when they could just as easily come up to Salt Lake and we could spend that hour and a half together? Call me crazy or selfish, but that's how I think.

And I'm hoping to spend Friday night with my bipolar pothead friend, since it's his birthday, since I haven't talked to him since December.

Um, I was talking about yesterday, wasn't I? So we went to dinner with our recently married friends, at a fairly good Indian restaurant, the first time I've been to one in months, and the conversation was nice, and probably the one grounding thing about the day. Kristen's hubby Jon is another geekboy, and he and I have bonded, which is good for all involved, I think. He's not a real school connection (yeah, I have geek friends from DU, but it's nice to know one from outside. There's gotta be some separation, after all), and he's not a drunk, so he's a good influence on me. Anybody who likes Weezer and can quote "Simpsons" has to be cool, right?

Oh, and I'm sick, which was bound to happen, being around immune-suppressed kids and being stressed about my prospectus meeting, so of course my body is breaking down a bit. And of course I'm travelling. It ALWAYS seems to happen this way.

Oh, and before I run off to do something productive, I do have a "comments" system installed now, so you could do something like, I dunno, use it, you know... Don't make me whine. You wouldn't like me when I'm whiny.

posted by Skattieboy @ 9:02 AM
Sunday, July 22, 2001

A couple digressive comments

Just because I can't resist throwing out these oddly disjointed thoughts that occur to me, rather like little trivial snapshots of my thinking...

I seem to have about half a dozen things being read all at the same time, from the nearly mythical (at this point) Eggers book to the new Hornby (and I just have to note how odd it always is to witness the author reading from the work, replacing the voice that runs in my head as I read, and trying to picture that bald-headed gentleman sitting down to produce the words I've digested and chuckled over) to academic material to (now) a (probably overpriced) hardcover comic book "Bizarro Comics". It features material by any number of lesser-known comics and cartoon folks, with wildly variant quality. Still, there's some lovely stuff there, by guys like Jay Stephens, Paul Pope, Tony Millionnaire, Jason Little, Dylan Horrocks, and Steve Weissman. Those names probably mean nothing to you, but hey, I was impressed.

And I was just thinking that one thing I really like about her, and I know it sounds so silly, is that we go get ethnic fare (Ethiopian, Mediterranean, Thai). Maybe that means my standards are kind of off, but I really appreciate being able to go try new stuff, to taste exotic flavors and dishes. And maybe it's just because I tend to get stagnant when left to my own devices, but really want to spread my metaphorical wings with others...?

It seems odd to me to be thinking wistfully about visiting Salt Lake again, by the way, as a visitor. I got a little taste of it last time I was there, but now it feels a little different. I can't explain it.

posted by Skattieboy @ 10:45 AM

In the doghouse

It's kind of funny, in one of those coincidental ways, that I wanted to listen to Throwing Muses (mostly because I bought and love that Kristen Hersh cd, "Sunny Border Blue"), and so "In a Doghouse" is spinning at the same time that I'm pondering me being in the figurative doghouse.

Okay, so let me attempt, in my soon-to-be feeling hungover state, what's going on. Basically, as usual, I go from being a sweet, kind boy to a dumbass of sorts in the matter of a day. In this case, it's (again) something I didn't say that's so problematic to her. Luckily, I didn't react in a pissy fashion to that, but my bafflement was probably not much better. So she's feeling hurt and I'm feeling confused, and I really don't know what to do or say to make it better, other than I'm sorry. These things are just always so... odd? That's not the right word, but I'm struggling here.

Dear reader, I'm just going to bend your ear, so to speak, while I talk this through for myself. You see, I think I'm rusty where relationships are concerned, and unused to someone being close and available, so this tumultuous course is not what I envisioned. It's as if geographical proximity means that things should be easy in my unrealistic head, which I know deep down to be untrue. And looking back, things have never been easy, not even since the beginning, even with an awareness that there were feelings on both our parts. I don't know if much of this trouble has been manufactured by me, by her, or by both of us, but I suspect that to be the case, especially with two intelligent (and I don't think I'm being egotistical in saying that) and overly introspective individuals.

So I'm going to ponder that for a while.

Meanwhile, I came back from camp with a bug of the illness sort, which I don't want to indulge, given that I'm travelling on Wednesday night. And yet I refuse to take care of it, other than to get sleep. A lovely side effect of it is that I have that gruff Harvey Fierstein voice going now, though...

Um, yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh...

Okay, so I didn't spend time with her yesterday because of the angst, which I really don't want to think about right now (after all, shouldn't I just be able to relax and enjoy things?), but instead had a not bad day working (call me a disgusting sap, but I really like working with kids, who are generally energetic and fairly innocent and guileless, and restore a bit of faith in humanity), watched some more of "Six Feet Under" and a very troubling "South Park" episode (who DID know that Cartman had such evil genius in him?), pissed my friend John off (serves him right for showing up about an hour and a half after he said he would) by opting not to go see BRMC (and I had no way to get in touch with him to tell him that), but instead chose to drink beer with Tom (who was in a funk again because his ex was again off seeing a guy, despite the fact that they're still living together and sleeping in the same bed, a situation that seems fraught with all sorts of emotional problems for both) and watched "Army of Darkness" (with lots of misquoting of favorite lines by both of us, especially as we got progressively inebriated) and started to fall asleep to "The Empire Strikes Back" (despite the fact that Tom hooked the sound up through his stereo speakers, with the volume set at an appropriate level for a theater of about 400 people), which was all that was needed to get me up to wearily stumble home, wash up, and pass out.

That was my night.

Now I'm pondering getting breakfast with friends, maybe seeing our recently wedded friends (and dealing with the girl), and trying not to think of school at all. I'll worry about that tomorrow.

By the way, I do have plenty to offer (in the way of opinions) about what's going on in the world, but I'm just opting for catharsis of sorts at present. You can adjust your fees accordingly.

posted by Skattieboy @ 10:23 AM
Saturday, July 21, 2001

Well, that was an experience

So MSN introduced this feature to help protect against junk mail, and here's the way it works: junk mail gets through and my school e-mail ends up in my "Bulk Mail" folder. That's at "Low Security". Lordy only knows how high security would work (probably, it would entail me getting a call on the phone telling me I have an urgent e-mail message, which would turn out to be spam porn, and a message from the girl would be blocked). Yes, folks, Microsoft IS a miracle...

But I had a great day and night, despite the fact that I started to poop out around 10 pm, like some sort of soon-to-be incontinent old man. I think it's just because I was so worked up all day that the adrenaline finally wore off and even pleasant company couldn't revive me.

Um, anyway, I got notification that my first year review was completed and I'm in good standing, my master's project was approved (as noted earlier, but it bears repeating), and then C. and I went to see Nick Hornby read at Tattered Cover (I wasn't able to get a book signed because we showed up late and they were handing out line numbers and mine was like 248 {out of 250}, which meant I would have been standing in line about 2 hours). *Sigh* To make it up, she bought me Thai food and I went out and bought the latest Kristen Hersh cd, and then it was back here to drink a couple beers and fall asleep trying to watch more of "Six Feet Under".

And I'm working this morning.

Y'know, one of these days I'll organize my thoughts before I start posting and it will be remarkable. But not today. For now, I'll just say that I'm tired but still happy and let you deal with all the trivial little details I decide to include. Because you'll take what you're given and like it.

posted by Skattieboy @ 7:51 AM
Friday, July 20, 2001

'Sall good

The meeting went well, and we actually wound up cutting down on the ambitiousness of the project. While I got asked some tricky theoretical questions, I answered them okay, and in the end, it got approved and I'm now so relaxed and smiley that it's hard to contain it...

And now I'm just waiting to see the girl and maybe some of our friends, and even though I have to work in the morning, I'm happy. Really happy.

Have a good night, folkses.

posted by Skattieboy @ 5:44 PM

Allow me to quote a little Smiths...

(I can practically see Dylan rolling his eyes right now)

I am the son
I am the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar


Anybody who really knows me knows that's a pretty accurate statement of me deep down. So to have seen some of the stuff I did this week (karaoke, playing the Devil, playing game show host) would have been an eye-opener for those folks. And it was for me, too.

It's funny, because I was a debater and sometimes actor in high school, and something changed somewhere between then and now that made me inhibited about performing, and doing it again really made me think. Not so much about the why's of that inhibition, but how I can change it. Because I think I want to do just that. Hell, if I'm going to have to lecture and present, I'd better get over that, right?

In other news, I'm thinking about growing a beard.

posted by Skattieboy @ 10:40 AM

Ahhhhhhhhhhh...

Real shower, real bath, real coffee... I like camping, honestly. But there's also something so glorious about returning to "civilization" after, and just enjoying those creature comforts we sort of take for granted, like cd players, good coffee (I can't believe the stuff folks can drink... What's even more remarkable is that, when deprived of any other source of caffeine, I'll quaff the stuff, too)... And then there's also a good night's rest on a soft futon.

Yeah, I'm a weenie.

So I'm back in the den, doing the usual thing, with three drinks (OJ, coffee, and ice water) and breakfast in front of me, butt firmly entrenched in the assgroove of my futon couch, music blaring in the background (Sloan's "Twice Removed", which kind of captures this rather reflective mood I'm in), and feeling a bit weary and nervous. My prospectus meeting is this afternoon, and I'm feeling woefully unprepared for the questions which will surely be asked, even though I know the members of the committee are invested in seeing me move forward and progress through the program.

Anyways...

The camp went rather well. In essence, I was there as a mental health counselor for the kids, to provide counseling to the campers and even counselors as needed, and there wasn't too much trouble , really. Plus, we designed group activities to get the kids reflecting on how asthma affects their lives and how to deal with those troubles. As a wheezy kid, it was kind of therapeutic for me, too, as I could share my experiences with them. And I really liked working with the kids. Because I'm a sap that way.

And yes, I did karaoke Dean Martin's "Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime". I'm thankful there was no video to record my earsplitting crooning.

Oh, and the girl is coming back today to look for an apartment, and there's a little tension, as didn't say what I should have (at least in her mind), so she's a bit peeved at me for that. I should just come out and admit right now that guys are stupid creatures. Any females who are reading this should remember that, as you're otherwise going to be in for upset and heartbreak. Even the best guy is still going to be a dumbass. Expect it.

*Double sigh*

Before I forget, I want to publicly thank Susan, who (out of the goodness of her own heart) sent me a tape with "South Park" and some other goodies on it. I haven't watched it yet, but it promises some entertainment and it was just very kind.

And, on the subject of videos, my brother sent me off a package with various stuff on it, including the first 6 episodes of "Six Feet Under". I wasn't sure what to expect there, even with the "American Beauty" connection, but it's quirky and original in a similar manner, and I've likes the first two episodes a lot.

Oh, and Nick Hornby's "How to Be Good" bumped Eggers off the reading list for a little while. It's not quite what you might expect for a Hornby creation, but it's definitely worth reading and terribly amusing (many of the clever little snotty comments that make me chuckle out loud unexpectedly).

I'm not very deep today. Sorry. I've got other stuff on my mind. So discuss amongst yourselves while I gather it all back together.

posted by Skattieboy @ 9:10 AM

I leave for just a few days...

(Wearing rubber gloves and apron, stares around at the mess, trying in vain to hold his breath...)

Just kidding. Let's have a round of applause for Tab, folks...

And hey, thanks for adding the "comments" thinger! I was gonna get around to it, eventually. One day.

Now where'd she hide all my stuff...?

posted by Skattieboy @ 8:47 AM
Thursday, July 19, 2001

Oh yeah . . .

Forgot just one more thing *hiccup*

*drops a few comments scripts in the template*

(Whew that was smelly . . .)

Well, off I go . . .

posted by Tabitha @ 8:03 PM

Ack!

*scurries around picking up the broken martini glasses and dirty syringes*

*leaves the porn because that's where she found them . . .*

*sneaks out the back with an odd lump of green in her pocket and the wind at her face to breathe a huge sigh of relief*

Back to partyin for real now. Damned responsibilities . . .

posted by Tabitha @ 3:25 PM

Ummmmm, yeah...

So I'm back. I'm tired. I'm sunburnt. I'm grouchy. All different topics that I'm just much too scattered to talk about just yet.

*sigh*

posted by Skattieboy @ 3:17 PM

Geez Louise

Definitely the worst three days to leave me in charge of a weblog. I feel like I keep dropping you every chance I get. And on your head no less. Not intentionally of course but - who knows? I could be evil that way. I could.

I'm so busy yet not so busy. I mean Tuesday night I was out bartending and playing with a boy (teehee like a real babysitter) and then yesterday I slept and then partied. Now I should actually get my butt in gear and do errands and shoot these scenes with Amit. :) My project.

My project.

So that should be taking up my time all this weekend. I supposedly have to prowl this tank in the window of a theater on Times Square. I don't know what to think. I'm just tired.

I think I might yell at Amit today though. After reading some things on AB's site (btw thanks for the mention! *waves*) I got mad at Amit for encouraging me to resort to sexuality in order to get artistic attention. I really wouldn't want that to start off my career. Or should I embrace it? I mean I guess it's part of who I am. Should I be ashamed?

So anyway, I'm going to tell him off. :)

Hey - so go see Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Mmmm the official site . . .

posted by Tabitha @ 2:08 PM

Oops.

*runs in and trips*

Oooph.

So I've been away somewhat. I didn't go to bed until 5am and so feel kind of rested. I slacked on work but when is that unusual? Well recently anyway.

What are we doing here now? I mean should I post links and stuff? Should I scour Scott beloved sites and bring back my wares? Should I just go on and on Scott style about how I need my coffee, how regular I am (which I'm not - haha funny), and how I like to ride my bike to get comics? Or maybe I'll post endlessly about this girl who I like and then don't like and then like again and never want her to know any of it.

Mmmm *puts hot sauce on her mussels and fries and digs into her big honking burrito*

I can eat like him though. I mean I can try.

*buries her mouth in a bucket of cold milk*

posted by Tabitha @ 12:28 PM
Tuesday, July 17, 2001

Okay

So what do I do here.

Hmm. *kicks around some empty cans*

I could . . .

No that wouldn't be right.

*hops up and down on one foot*

I could . . .

No that wouldn't be right either. Or funny. Or even intelligent.

*scratches chin*

Should I . . .?

Ack. God no. That would be ridiculous.

*starts doing the twist*

I think . . .

Hmm.

Geez.

That we should go watch a movie.

*shimmies*

Breakfast at Tiffany's, anyone?

posted by Tabitha @ 11:54 AM
Monday, July 16, 2001

No!

Will not start tinkering.

Though damn it all if there isn't any beer . . .

I should actually go off soon and have drinks. Seriously. And will have to leave you all yet again. But I'm sure it'll be fine. Just no more of that licking of wall sockets like earlier. It'll take a while for your hair to not be crispy anymore . . .

I actually don't really even feel like going to get drinks and would rather sleep. Maybe I can get myself out of it. Poo.

Sleep!

And finish your jar of honey.

posted by Tabitha @ 7:45 PM

Woohoo!

Well now that's better . . .

Though I do feel like tinkering with the title suddenly. Feels weird to have it so high . . .

posted by Tabitha @ 7:24 PM

Needs a break from babysittin'

I have to finish my assignment and scoot off but I will be back soon. So just sit there in your playpen, suck on your pacifier, eat this jarful of honey, and don't make a peep. You don't want the cops after me for negligence do you?

*turns the tv on to Sesame Street*

bye . . .

posted by Tabitha @ 2:22 PM

Muahahaha . . .

So I'm here.

*looks around*

Yeah . . .

*sniffs around for a burrito and maybe some tortilla chips under a link*

Nice wallpaper.

*finds a spot to lie down and get comfy*

But I don't know about those link colors though.

*rests her head on a Bacchae's lap*

Hmm . . . Or that ad.

*begins to poke absentmindedly at a table border*

Hey, you got any coffee around here?

*hears her own echo and yawns*

I'm sleepy . . .

posted by Tabitha @ 1:33 PM
Sunday, July 15, 2001

I am Joe's angst

I haven't left yet, so I'll just ramble here for a little while. Indulge me.

Another odd day yesterday, in that I had stuff I was supposed to do but which wound up getting cancelled. For example, I just started as a mentor to other mentors, in this reading literacy program and the lunch meeting couldn't happen, which was really okay. I mowed the lawn instead, which may not be service-oriented, but it still made me feel good.

And no date, either, but that was also okay. Given where my head was, it probably wouldn't have been very good for either of us.

Instead, I babysat Tom. Seems Rachel met some guy while she was dancing last week and she was going on a date with him, which had Tom (understandably) upset. It's always interesting how something like that puts your own experiences in perspective, and I think he felt better when he finally headed off. Unfortunately, now I feel drained.

By the way, I was actually playing competent pool for a while. Interesting observation: the harder I concentrate, the worse I shoot. Maybe I need a blindfold?

Um, so I picked up that Hornby book for the camp, in case I get insomnia and can't sleep, and because I want to look like a pseudointellectual. Strike that last part. I am a pretentious pseudointellectual. Or maybe that's just a pose, too?

We watched "Fight Club", too, and I think I had forgotten how many good lines there are in it, and just how disturbing it is. I'm still not too sure about the ending, though.

And, because Dylan seems to want to get another snooty response from me, I have to post this bit from his discussion of his final poll results: Fat people- 16.7% of the vote. 2 votes. (I put this group of people on here because 1. I'm a fat guy, and know that it is still acceptable in mainstream society to ridicule us fatties. I have felt the sting of it many times, real and imagined. 2. So that Scott would be able to vote. I don't know if he has any other prejudices...well, maybe the homeless people. Although I'm not certain on that one.)

Two things (in response): (1) Of course I have other prejudices. What do I look like, Jesus? (2) Yeah, ha ha, I have a prejudice against overweight folks. Before you go shouting "J'accuse!" at me, though, realize it comes from a very good intent. I lost my father and two uncles due to health complications related to obesity, and fear that not only happening to me, but also to people care about. So it's not just some aesthetic on my part (although that's a consequence of it), but a real concern. And when I moved out here, I was a portly boy myself. So maybe I'm a hypocrite. I don't hate folks who are overweight, but my concern borders on pathology.

I don't know why I'm justifying that. Maybe because I felt the need to rant after feeling like I was soul-drained last night.

Soundtrack by the underrated Skanic and the Skandalous All-Stars (who are really less scandalous than mediocre, but their cover of "One Way or Another" is definitely swass).

Just a reminder that Tab will be sitting in the host chair for a few days. Pretend to miss me while I'm gone.

posted by Skattieboy @ 8:46 AM
Saturday, July 14, 2001

Meet the guest host

The lovely and talented Tab...

Thanks, babe!

posted by Skattieboy @ 6:02 PM

It's true. It's SO true.

I'm a self-conscious dork. *sigh*

I'm listening to "monster surf" (Deadbolt) and rockabilly (Rocket 350), by the way. It should be uplifting, right?

Maybe there's just something about alcohol. It loosens me up at first, but then the rebound is pretty scary, and I turn back into that geeky little 8-year-old with the gap-teeth and slick hair and cardigan sweaters. And the after-effects linger on into the next morning, as I sit here in my well-worn ass groove, thinking about how to describe my evening.

It was actually fairly enjoyable. C. and I went over to Tom and Rachel's, because Tom was going to look at her bike, and he actually ended up selling her one of the bikes he had bought and fixed up, and then we ended up hanging out, drinking a little and watching a video (which was an ordeal, in that the debate about what to rent lasted about 45 minutes, before we even left their house, and then continued at the evil corporation). It turned out we got something good, in "State and Main" (I highly recommend it, if you haven't seen it. I think Mamet is overrated, personally, but this is nice. Subdued.). And Philip Seymour Hoffman's character is (you guessed it) a self-conscious dork, which led to a post-movie discussion of that fact. Which led to me thinking about how true that character is to me. I mean, besides the typewriter and the blonde hair.

And it was the first time Tom had met her. She'd met Rachel before, but I was somehow nervous about first meeting, wanting everyone to like everyone else and all that sort of nonsense, probably because her first encounter with my friends was through John and Luis, who can be real asses at times.

But, really, what got me is that it's at this point, with her and me, where we're both kind of waiting for the other to make that move, where things will move to a new level, but neither of us is (I don't know what. Confident? Self-assured enough?) able to do that. And it's frustrating and awkward.

So that's where I am today.

By the way, much love to Miss Hell, who sent me a nice e-note to tell me she finally linked me (about goddamned time!). Uh, seriously, she is one of the most genuine, upfront people I know, and it saddens me to think New York City will soon be forced to endure her absence. It's all Austin, Texas's gain, I suppose.

I have so much crap to do today that it looks as if I won't be going to the freak show, by the way. Sorry, Tab.

And I want to remind everyone that I won't be back until Thursday night, prob'ly. I may try to arrange a guest host, though. Would y'all like that? It probably wouldn't be too hard to find someone to just ape me, with all the whining and whatnot. But somebody entertaining... Now that would be a treat. Must ponder that.

posted by Skattieboy @ 9:27 AM
Friday, July 13, 2001

Why doesn't anybody tell me these things?

So I found a typo over on my Links! page. I was humiliated. I think being in academia is making me even more obsessive-compulsive about such things.

And it's Friday the 13th, in case you didn't know. I'm not superstitious, but you know...

posted by Skattieboy @ 9:04 AM

Responding to a couple comments

These come via Lorene:

I am so lost and now so completely depressed! When did Rachel and Tom break up and why ( you can send that info to me in a PERSONAL e-mail)? Are they just seperating or getting a divorce? Is there hope for them?

It struck me before now that my talking about Tom and Rachel could be miscontrued, so I should explain. I have friends who live in the backwoods of Oregon, Leigh and Rachel. Leigh used to go by "Tom", because he was tired of being teased for having a girly name.

I also have friends here in Denver named Tom and Rachel, who moved here at roughly the same time I did. I've become fairly good friends with them, for very different reasons. Anyway, when I refer to "Tom and Rachel", these are the folks to whom I am referring.

Also, on the note about the Gorillaz....I LOVE THEM! I saw their video today on VH1 for "Clint Eastwood" and have absolutely fallen head over heels with their music. So Scott, because everybody knows that my musical taste is the shits, you must now stop liking them or you will forever be taunted by Dylan and Jeffy that you like the same music that I do. Remember, I am the person that likes Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, and Barry Manilow.

Yeah? Well, my musical taste would be considered "the shits" by a number of people, I'm sure. In the department, I think I'm known for about three things: (1) my scary, trivial pop culture references; (2) the "autism guy"; and (3) the guy who talks about punk music. But, digression aside, another good track from that cd is "54". Not that there are any really bad tracks, but that's the one I keep repeating now. But, 'Rene, if you really like "Clint Eastwood", I really have to recommend the soundtrack to "Ghost Dog", largely done by the RZA. Yup.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway. I have to acknowledge my twin right now. I call him the evil one, but in reality, he's really the good one. He not only did me yet another solid, but he's going to be writing the reviews of "Amazing Spider-Man" over at Spider-Man Hype. I'm most proud.

Oh, yeah. And then there's me. I'm off for a meeting in a little while and then I have to try to make headway on my assessment report. Exciting, I know.

I'm oversimplifying, really. Not sure what the plan is for the evening, although I will be seeing the girl. And we might go see a freak show tomorrow night, if I get off my ass and buy tickets. Then it's off to asthma camp Sunday through Thursday (and I have this little neurotic worry about the tent arrangements), and back to propose my master's on Friday.

Long story made short? Whirlwind of activity around these hyar parts, and I'll be gone for a few days.

Sorry. I'm not really too focused on writing this morning.

posted by Skattieboy @ 8:31 AM
Thursday, July 12, 2001

Yeah, I figured that out

I read about that Gorillaz cd over at Geektastic, not through Dylan, by the way. I should have figured that. But I've been real slow of late. Anyway, I still recommend it highly. Except to Dylan.

And belated anniversary wishes to Kevin, over at the Hidden City! If you haven't checked it out, it's a highly entertaining site.

posted by Skattieboy @ 5:15 PM

Awwww, George, not the livestock

That's kind of in honor of Susan, who sent me a nice response e-mail (and I'll answer it soon), and because FINALLY I watched "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" last night. It was a little strange for a Coen Brothers movie, I thought (whimsical, but with a little different feel. Most of their other stuff kind of felt like it was part of a body of work, at least to me, while this was a bit more... I dunno. Ambitious?). Not that it didn't have plenty of signature Coen moments ("You boys are dumber'n a sack of hammers", "Say, uh, any o' you boy smithies? Or if not smithies per se, are you somehow practiced in the metallurgical arts?"), but I just got the feeling they were going for something different. I still enjoyed the hell out of it, though, despite the fact that it was around midnight when I started watching and I was nearly falling asleep.

What inspired me to rent it was a trip to Tom and Rachel's, for more uneasy hanging out. They seem to be getting along well, but there's just an air about the place. I mean, really, how healthy is it to stay living together when you've broken up? It's nice that they want to stay friends, but it's more like they're just very co-dependent, even without the relationship part of their relationship. As an observer, it's kind of interesting to watch their interactions, but as their friend, it's all a bit disconcerting.

Anyway, my point was that Rachel bought the T-Bone Burnett soundtrack to that movie and was playing it last night, and it was pretty swell, I thought. So that's what got me to watch the movie.

Don't mistake me. I'm a fan of the Coens. And I wanted to see "O Brother" when it was in theaters, but never did. Just one of those things.

And yesterday was actually a really weird day. The excuse for me to go visit Tom and Rachel was that they were going to do something last night, which ended up in a trip to Super Target to buy a box fan, then coming back to drink Michelob and listen to music. But hey, it beat what I was planning to do, which was procrastinate writing my assessment report. I managed to do that, anyway, and got some hanging out in to boot.

I made my coffee a little too strong this morning. Bleh.

Um, so, about yesterday... It just felt really off. Neuropsych clinic meeting just dragged, I had to keep switching my route on my trip to the comics shop (either the bike paths were torn up or there were obstructions in my way, although I'm finding I'm becoming braver in my riding, which almost scares me). We (the three grad students) all got together to discuss what we're going to do at camp with the kids, and it was disorganized and half-assed, and rather unsatisfying. I still need to work on that report before I leave Sunday.

But, mostly, there's this disconnectedness with the girl. It's all because we're stressed and busy with out own stuff, but there's also a feeling like we're each waiting to see what the other will do next before doing something. I think that's what happens with self-conscious people.

I'm going to mull that over. If I come to any conclusions, I'll report back.

posted by Skattieboy @ 8:43 AM
Wednesday, July 11, 2001

Odd sleeping patterns

I'm wondering if there's something going on everywhere, or at least among the blogging community, as it seems like nobody is sleeping like they should. In my case, I had stretches of deep sleep (2-3 hours), interrupted by awake time lasting a couple hours, in which I was too tired to read or do anything but lie there, tossing and turning and thinking. That last thing is a bad thing, I think, when you're as flighty and overly analytical as I am. The thoughts are gone, but there's still that emotional resonance left over, so I'm trying to shake it and start my day on solid footing.

And I was reading my blog entries last night and realizing that I've been trying so hard not to ape Eggers and Coupland and Hornby that I've developed this rather uninteresting and bland narrative style that just isn't me. So be warned that I may sound a tad off for a few days as I try to recapture my voice. Just picture that Leo Gorcey-esque "Bugs Bunny" voice and you should be fine.

And why did nobody tell me there's a new Hornby book out?

*Ahem*

I've been playing that Gorillaz cd over and over and trying to remember who recommended it to me. I keep thinking it must have been Dylan or Jeff, but that seems ridiculous, as I can't picture either of them liking it at all. Whatever the case, "Clint Eastwood" most assuredly reeks of awesomeness, and the title is even splendid, seeing how it honors the god of the spaghetti western.

What I forgot to say in all the talk about sleep is that I was so drowsy that I once again didn't go running. I'm a loser. A lazy one. But I am planning to ride my bike, high heat in the afternoon or not, after clinic meeting today, so it's not like I'll just be sitting around like a lump of vegetarian putty.

Is it wrong that I'm actually a little excited about that new "Star Trek" series, "Enterprise"? I know in the wake of the last two series that I'm doomed to be disappointed by an inferior product, but I can't help but feel that little 8-year-old geekboy coming to the surface, sitting in my grandmother's living room when she turned on the repeats of the original series (one of the few things we could share, besides a fascination with the paranormal that still lingers), and cheesy special effects and hammy acting aside, soaking in the very special quality of it, of the ideas.

And y'know what? That just reminds me of something I posted elsewhere (The Hidden City, to be exact), about the lack of imagination in adulthood. It actually came up in the context of discussing children's literature, and it struck me that we encourage imagination in the young and seemingly beat it out of ourselves as adults. And that seems a little sad. To lose that sense of wonder. I mean, I could go on here about how it's necessary, as humans, to refine our sensory apparatuses and cognitions, in order to function (just think about how little kids report seeing stuff in their closets and other experiences and imagine what would happen if an adult reported the same thing). And I could get off on a real tangent here, explaining my hypothesis for paranormal sightings (which relates to the above), but it's neither the time nor the place. Suffice to say that the ability to operate in human society seems to entail a cost. And that's sad.

It seems my background can cause trouble, or so Chance seems to imply. Maybe that's why my blog is "uplifting?"...?

posted by Skattieboy @ 10:20 AM
Tuesday, July 10, 2001

I updated the wishlist

I know, I know, it's Amazon. But so help me, I get to that site and just start to geek out.

The previews to "Planet of the Apes" look SO cool!

I bought that Gorillaz cd today, by the way, and yes, I am digging it.

posted by Skattieboy @ 10:22 PM

I'm done

With the master's proposal. Finally. Now I just have to get the prospectus meeting out of the way (a whole different animal to slay, so to speak) and I can get started. And that's scary.

I still have a ton of crap to do before I run off to camp next week, though.

posted by Skattieboy @ 9:24 PM

Oh, and

I didn't go see "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within" last night. Too tired, honestly, and needed to recharge. But I will be going to see it. I hear the "Spider-Man" preview is incredible. And that alone is reason to get my butt in that theater seat.

posted by Skattieboy @ 8:37 AM

And a couple more clarifications

I was up to run this morning, but it rained a bit and is threatening to do it some more. The tread on my running shoes is worn. I might slip and fall. And hurt my noggin. So no running.

And there was no nookie Saturday night. I thought I should clarify that, because I think some of you are under the impression that that was the case. So no. No nookie. I thought about it. But it didn't happen.

posted by Skattieboy @ 8:26 AM

A word about backgrounds

Since I kind of got braver (but no more competent) with playing html code, I've been toying around with my various backgrounds. And it suddenly struck me that the background of a page should probably reflect the actual content or supplement.

I say this because I felt I should let you know why I changed the About Me and Links pages. See, the backgrounds there made no sense. The background here probably makes no sense (although it's from a comics adaptation of "Orpheus", which kind of goes with my geekiness, but I'm not sure about any deeper meanings). The old one did, but it just didn't look that great as a background, behind the tables and stuff. And you couldn't really read the story itself.

posted by Skattieboy @ 8:21 AM

Just passing it on

So Tabby wanted me to post this here. Only she didn't ask, but (in a passive-aggressive way) assumed I just would and then thought I didn't understand. I did. I was waiting for her to ask. So she did. So I'm finally posting it.

Well actually no -- I just would like to note that it's a documentary-like sort of film. Amit and I like to play with the genre "Documentary." In fact it's almost structured documentary. Guerilla documentary. Still very much (and obviously so) in and through our hands. It's as if to use the true footage to serve our own thematic means while a documentary tries to be as unintrusive as possible (not to say that there haven't been very unbiased or un propagandized or undoctored documentaries in the past -- we just tend to be less deceitful about where our hand is in the film). We find this particularly interesting to use ( this genre) because of the possiblities it opens in the areas of performance that we try to explore. By nature there is performance in the everyday and in varying levels in all that we are. It's conducive to identity (or the other way around) - a smorgasbord of signifiers, attitudes, learned acts, and cultural codes. So were does identity and performance live in respect to each other and how do they interact when in the body of a cultural sexual other? Where do I live in the world of these guises and gestuses -- plays and ploys -- puns -- when I am an Asian-American actress? Female, minor, minority, of two consciousnesses, other yet norm, and always both at the same time, sexual and unsexual, virgin and not virgin, exotic and not exotic, major, majority. Strong and powerful and yet weak and lame. I'm a director aspiring to be puppet and a puppet who aspires to be a director. It's my life and my film. I turn on the camera and I turn it off. I put in the tapes and I take them out. And I choose what goes in them. So I have the control.

But, yet, I have none all at the same time.

:) yeah. Very frustrating I must say.


By way of explanation, that's about the project she's working on, and (as you can see) she explained it a lot better than I did. Then again, it's her art and not mine.

posted by Skattieboy @ 8:13 AM
Monday, July 09, 2001

Photos of me?

Yup. I finally pulled out the old mothballed webcam, thinking I was sending pics to Rachel (Big Mommacita), and wound up just taking pics, period. So I added a couple to my homepage, if you want to look.

posted by Skattieboy @ 11:11 PM

Those little odd moments of crystal clarity

Maybe it's just because I'm tired, but this life, my life, my sudden life. It's just making me think. I haven't been a good boy with school lately, concentrating on her, and while that's nice, it's suddenly hit me that I don't have time for everything and something has to give. And I'd already decided that I want to start getting up and running, because even though I've managed to drop a substantial amount of weight, the only way I'm going to get rid of the remnants of the spare tire is to really start moving my workouts to a new level. And because I think it would be good for me.

So I just may not be around as much. That's what I'm getting at. My time is being stretched, and there are things I definitely don't want to give on.

Besides, the butt groove in my futon couch is getting pretty pronounced.

And I watched Hal Hartley's "Book of Life" again tonight, in lieu of working on my stuff (mostly because I'm just so tired that I can't concentrate on that kind of writing, but I'll definitely have to crack down on myself tomorrow night). And I don't really think it's great, even though it is Hal Hartley, and Martin Donovan is Jesus in it, and PJ Harvey is Magdalene in it, but it's fairly thought-provoking, anyway.

By the way, this is the first evening I haven't spent with her in a week. And I think the break is good, to allow us to recharge. But I'll be darned if I don't miss her already.

posted by Skattieboy @ 9:12 PM

Men and women

And one last bit: I talked with my friend Rachel last night, about her relationship with my friend Tom. And it's funny to get another perspective after having one side fed to you for so long. After having that conversation with Tab earlier in the day, it was a bit sad. Because I realized that (without really wanting to be), I'm a bit of a guy, too. Doing and saying stupid stuff (not that that's something just men do), acting insensitively, not being empathic enough, trying to avoid conflict. It's odd. To think you can be a rational, intelligent human and still act like a complete and utter ass at times.

posted by Skattieboy @ 9:43 AM

Oh, and in case you didn't know it

I'm a geek. I have a pass for me and a guest to go see the sneak of "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within" tonight, which I kind of want to see, but what may really put my butt in the seat is that the trailer for next summer's "Spider-Man" movie is supposed to debut... For some reason, all the cool movie trailers are just psyching me up for movies, movies, movies (I suppose it could also be that I now have someone cute to go with. Not that the Metz isn't cute, if you like that sort of person, but there's something about the hair on his shoulders...). For example, prior to "A.I.", there were previews for the "Harry Potter" film (and I've never read one of the books, but it looks fun) and "Fellowship of the Ring" (for which my jaw dropped and I could barely contain myself).

By the way, I forgive you for not reading my webdiary in a while, Lorene. I guess.

I just realized that I have so much sh*t to do this week, all in preparation for camp and for my master's meeting. But instead all I can do is think about what I want to do with the girl (get your minds out of the gutter, folks).

posted by Skattieboy @ 9:25 AM

I'm ashamed of my department

What I didn't mention in talking about last night was that all of us first-year students were at one table at the reception, with one of the DU professors. Actually, he's a soon-to-be ex-professor, since he didn't receive tenure (for not publishing enough). What's embarrassing about that is that he's a good, meticulous researcher, doing quality work, doing multi-cultural work in an incredibly caucasian department, with longitudinal projects that rule out publishing results frequently, and his failure to receive tenure was more of a political thing.

And we sat and chatted with him, and I already knew this, but he is a great guy. An incredibly kind, intelligent, insightful person who makes a department better, and he's already got a better job at a more prestigious university. So all we could do was sit there and admire this man and think how stupidly lame the committee was.

posted by Skattieboy @ 9:16 AM

So the folks no-showed

Yup. So instead of going into work, I stayed at home and had a lovely talk with the lovely Tab about life and our respective lives, went to get some lunch, and then got duded up for my friend Kristen's wedding. And it was the weirdest thing, in that it was unbelievably hot in the chapel one minute (to the point where I thought the sweat dripping off me would blind me) to torrential downpour outside the next. We had to sit inside after the ceremony for a good hour before it would let up enough that we could make a dash for C.'s car (wearing ultra-chic Hefty brand garbage sacks to stay somewhat dry), then drove on through what seemed like a flash flood (some of the intersections had walls of water washing through), and finally things settled down so we could have another in a long line of great evenings, with wine and dancing and celebration.

That was my day and my evening.

posted by Skattieboy @ 12:10 AM
Sunday, July 08, 2001

Still digesting

I'm still turning things over, so if I seem a bit scattered, please forgive me. It's just that this strange, fun ride I've been on for the past week or so is just still going on. Like I could stand to get off for a little while to recover a bit, and life just won't let me.

Where to begin?

I spent virtually the whole day with new girl (and I think I'm safe referring to her by that nickname now), since we had to work a looooooooooooong day together in the lab, which was like having teeth pulled (not because we were around each other, but because it seemed like it would never end). I came home briefly to change, and then we ran off to the Cherry Creek Arts Festival, which was completely underwhelming (far too warm and not enough live music), then over to the shopping center to grab stuff for camp and look for a present for her dad, then the sudden impulse to go see "A.I." (which we were both a bit speechless about for a while after). Then over to Tattered Cover (a cool local bookstore), then off for a late dinner (some nice Mediterranean fare, with the subsequent discussion of what we both thought of "A.I.", even though I think we were both still digesting it), and the next thing I knew it was 1 and she had to be into the lab at 9, but neither one of us wanted the evening to end. And somehow, it just felt so right, so relaxed and enjoyable, that all my fretting for the past few weeks just kind of fell away.

So that's where I'm at right now. Still waking up, coffee mug in hand, a bit thoughtful, but not overly so, humming along with Matthew Sweet, pondering taking my shower and heading into the lab in a little while, then off with her to go to our friend's wedding reception.

Oh, there's other stuff I should be thinking about, like making sure I'm ready for my master's prospectus meeting, and getting more ready for asthma camp, and writing a psychological assessment report, but I'm happy and mellow, and I'm just going to enjoy that for the day, okay?

posted by Skattieboy @ 10:44 AM
Saturday, July 07, 2001

Enquiring minds want to know

Not quite ready to talk about the evening just yet, but I won't leave you in suspense... It went well. And while things never go quite the way you project them out in your head, it was a great night. Sorry. I know that's mysterious, but that's all I'm ready to divulge right now.

Interestingly, though, I came home and read over my blog and was just ashamed of it. Bugged by the writing on it. I hope that means I'm not moving off into one of those phases where I think I have to be clever, but I suspect it means I'm just not happy with the way I'm expressing myself on the blog. So inarticulate. So... clumsy.

Anyway...

I forgot to mention that the reason for me mentioning Tab's project was that I (and I'm sure those of you who know her might agree) was wondering what was up with her. Why she was so wiggy of late. Now I know. I'm still excited about it (especially for her).

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I'm working today. This morning. And yet it doesn't make me as grouchy as in past weeks, because I'm stupidly giddy.

posted by Skattieboy @ 7:44 AM
Friday, July 06, 2001

Just a few minor html script changes

Nothing much. Just had to try to be a little fancy and experiment with my pages.

posted by Skattieboy @ 2:15 PM

Okay, so you probably didn't know it

But I did post this morning. Look down below. See for yourself.

Stupid BlogSpot.

Anyway, I just got back from a long, exhilarating, HOT bike ride and am just exhausted but still turning over the day's plan. It's GOING TO HAPPEN. I need it to happen. My life is changing, moving in this direction, and it's useless for me to fight. I never would have seen myself having this life when I moved out here last September, but I'm no longer an ex-patriate Utahn. I'm a Coloradan, with a suddenly blooming life here, and going back to visit Utah is not going to be going home, but visiting. That just seems so strange.

posted by Skattieboy @ 1:33 PM

Happy? Am I happy?

Why yes, folks I believe I am.

I roll out of bed with sleep-encrusted eyes, slightly better rested than the past few days but still needing a few more hours just to catch me up and refresh me, which I can't bring myself to do, because even if I get nothing else accomplished in a day, if I got up before 9 it feels like a major accomplishment.

And I'm thinking a lot these days, just reflecting on the fact that my life seems to be changing, which is really quite lovely but also a bit bewildering at times. I mean, a couple months ago, I felt like a really lifeless loser, but now, with all this school stuff happening, and spending time with suddenly better friends, and the sudden change in things with this girl, it seems like it's all happened overnight.

So even though I may be a bit confused at times, I do believe I'm happy. But it helps that I'm listening to some old-timey ska, and if that can't bring a smile to your face, then you are in serious need of a colonic, methinks.

*Ahem* Excuse that bit of pandering.

I realized that (without even really trying to do it) I've spent 4 of the last 6 nights with the girl, and all signs point to more of the same for the next few nights. And it's felt nice, and unforced, and I don't know if I've ever had such a not-neurotic experience in a long time. But, then again, I still haven't had THE TALK with her yet. And I'm not really as hyper about that as I would be.

Oh, and while I'm editorializing, let me just throw out a piece of advice: People, if you're trying to set two friends up, at least try to be sly about it. God, at first it was rather cute and charming, but now it's gotten a bit obnoxious. I think both of us have gotten the point now, and it's up to us to do something.

My ability to digress at the drop of a hat frightens me.

By the way, I had a great little chat on the phone (until I could barely keep my eyes open) with Tabby last night. We hadn't really talked in a while, so there was a lot of catching up, comparing our respective lives, and discussion of new stuff. And it invigorated me to hear all about this project she's working on, creating a documentary of her life, with the theme being her as perceived through others. She could really explain all this better than I can, but it sounds like something remarkably unique and possibly enlightening, and it gave me a little twinge of envy. To really create something special. That's a rare ability.

On a less secure note, we went to a training for this asthma camp at which we're volunteering, and found that the mental health team will be just us three grad students and two trained psychologists, for the camp staff (about 70 people) and the kids (112 little wheezers). Just a tad daunting, for three novices completing their first year. But also exciting, I think. Just reading the lit on psychological problems asthmatic kids face made me think about me and how I got to be the way I am. I'm sure it will all lead to some fascinating self insights when I have time to think them through.

posted by Skattieboy @ 9:26 AM
Thursday, July 05, 2001

I do listen to the complaints, folks

So I changed the background colors on my "Links" and "About Me" pages, so they don't have that quality anymore (you know the one I'm talking about: where it feels like someone is reaching into your eyesockets and stretching the optic nerve like a rubber band). I also updated both.

Next step is to cut down on my trivial blogging, but I obviously was not as successful with that part.

posted by Skattieboy @ 10:20 AM

And life is grand

Okay, maybe I exaggerate, but things feel really good right now. I'm still struggling a bit to juggle school with life (school taking a bit of a backseat but becoming more prominent and manageable), but things seem much more, I dunno, sane.

A little astrological forecast for me: You may have a hard time sleeping, Scott. And if you end up still awake very late tonight, there may be something you need to deal with before you can find peace. All of a sudden you are much more aware of what is going on in your personal life or in your career. You are still in a period of transformation. Your very original personality is looking for a way to express itself. Where should you go next? That's the question you will have to deal with today, or just as you try to fall asleep! . That was for today, and surprisingly true. As I've long said, if you keep guessing long enough, you can probably come up with a good forecast for someone. But the fact is that reading that somehow made me feel better about my sleep-stunted night.

Don't get me wrong. I actually had a very good time at the barbecue, eating, drinking, watching DVDs (the second "Austin Powers", which I'd never seen, plus the extra footage from "Dogma" and some of "Office Space"), and playing "Truth or Dare Jenga". Yeah, the latter sounds kind of lame, but for four semi-drunk grad students, it was a great way to get to know each other. Honestly. Even if I wound up shirtless for a good part of the evening...

And yes, the girl was part of the entourage. *sigh*

One thing I've found curious lately is that I seem uninhibited vocally but quite inhibited in action. Dancing at the club, enacting "dare"s (mostly stuff involving miming stuff or imitating others). I'm not sure what's up with that self-consciousness on my part, but I'm motivated to get over it.

And, honestly, I think it's spilling over to this place, too. I've found myself reluctant to really engage in the kind of introspective gutspilling I've done in the past. It's undoubtedly related to these conflicted, fence-sitting thoughts on this girl, I'm certain. And I apologize. Once resolution is achieved, I think I'll be over the creative hump, so to speak.

Although, honestly, the school stuff is much on my mind, too.

If I sound confused, it's because I am. Just take it all with that metaphorical grain of salt.

Listening to the (International) Noise Conspiracy and the Replacements.

posted by Skattieboy @ 8:54 AM
Wednesday, July 04, 2001

Explaining that last entry...

The reason why I didn't talk to her is that it was her night to celebrate, and we were never really alone for me to have that little tete-a-tete. So yeah, I was kind of a weenie, but I'm done kicking myself about it.

The auspice for that experience is that she and another grad student successfully proposed their master's theses yesterday (and my date is set for July 20th, I think, so wish me luck), so a bunch of us got together for drinks at yet another Mexican restaurant (and is the custom here, the food wasn't offensive, but not great, either). It was actually pretty relaxing, although my feet were killing me and I was pretty wiped out following a rather long walk out to the record store to check (unsuccessfully) for the new Planet Smashers cd in the heat of midday. But the nice part was hanging out and talking with my peers, and finding that I'm assimilating a lot better these days. It helps that these were a little less uptight folks than some of the other grad students, too.

Anyway, several of us wound up adjourning to a club after that, and I basically stood, weary and nursing a drink or two. I was honestly a bit bewildered about what to do at that point, too, and hence self-conscious. Somehow, I ended up enjoying the experience, though. Except for the part where the drunk guy yakked in the entrance of the club.

And then I came back here and blogged because I just love you, my devoted readers. I'm benevolent that way.

Um, so I'm a bit bewildered as to what to do with myself today. On one hand, I should really get some work done, since I won't get much of a chance to do it the next few days. But I want to enjoy the day off, too. I may end up going over to a fellow grad student's house for geek movies, barbecue, and more "Trivial Pursuit". Scary? Not really.

Soundtrack provided by the Beastie Boys.

posted by Skattieboy @ 10:06 AM

God, I'm a weenie

I just couldn't bring myself to have that little talk, and although it was a good evening (details to follow), I'm kicking myself right now.

*sigh*

And, in answer to a question from Susan, I changed the guestbook. The old one wasn't working right, and its appearance was rather unremarkable. To those of you who signed it, I apologize, and just ask you to forgive me. And, to everyone else, it doesn't mean you shouldn't sign it.


posted by Skattieboy @ 2:14 AM
Tuesday, July 03, 2001

D-Day is rapidly approaching

Or so I've sort of decided. My dad had this saying: "Either sh*t or get off the pot". And while it's a little crude, it sort of sums up my thinking right now. Reservations aside, it's time for me to do something where this girl is concerned. Circumstances are never going to be better for me to do something about this, and I'm just kind of ready for a new challenge.

Interesting evening, by the way. My friend Tom came by, after he and his ex-girlfriend had another fight. Seems she was planning to move out, but didn't, and things are still mighty tense. Her reason for not doing so was that she didn't feel right about the new place, but what I (being the wise individual I think I am) think is really going on is that she's afraid to be alone. So, anyway, things exploded again last night, and (of course) I get to play amateur counselor.

Oh, and I got another in a long line of bad haircuts yesterday. It seems I'm lucky if 1 out of every 5 cuts pleases me. Once that big chunk of hair is lying on the floor, though, it's kind of too late to say that she took off too much, you know?

The soundtrack is provided by the Chinkees and Me First and the Gimme Gimmes, by the way.

posted by Skattieboy @ 4:02 PM
Monday, July 02, 2001

Just making a few minor cosmetic changes

The poll is gone, for one thing (which is okay, because even if 800 people had voted to get rid of the wallpaper, I probably would have kept it. I do have a new version of it, though, thanks to that magnificent Asian Bastard. Thanks, Bryan!!!!!).

posted by Skattieboy @ 4:41 PM

Another Monday, another coffee emergency

So why do I not monitor my coffee supplies more closely, you may wonder, given the fact that I wax on and on about it? The truth is that I don't know. What I do know is that I had barely a trace of the grounds left, and had to settle for a watered-down pot of the stuff that definitely didn't sate the addiction. Oh, I watered it down further with rice milk, so it would taste like something, but mostly what it tasted like was bitter, bitter disappointment.

I've decided that I may just keep the Eggers book in the bathroom, since that seems to be where I read it.

I also decided I've been doing entirely too much blogging lately. I should correct that. I've been blogging when I have nothing trenchant to say. And I think it shows. So I will do my utmost not to do that again. Or at least do a better job faking it.

"The ability to do psychology, however much it may nowadays be an ability possessed by every man and woman, is by no means an ordinary ability... The fact is that, whatever may be the logical problems of describing inner experience, human beings everywhere openly attempt it." - Nicholas Humphrey, "Human beings are born psychologists"

posted by Skattieboy @ 9:37 AM
Sunday, July 01, 2001

I like to pass stuff like this on

Because even though I don't believe in it, I still get these little Astrologers.com reports and they make me feel better from time to time: Today will be a day of tremendous insights, Scott. And they are coming to you none too soon. It is likely that over the past few months you have been concerned about the arc of your career trajectory. No longer. Today the road to success is laid out before you. In fact, it is right there at your feet. You need only take the first step to begin your journey.

I really do hope so. I think the shmucks who have to come up with those things must sense my lack of enthusiasm over the last few weeks, because the tone has gotten remarkably upbeat.

Oh, I fixed the poll so there's a background now. And I'm still mulling over a "talkback" feature for this little venture. Anybody got suggestions ?

posted by Skattieboy @ 11:43 PM

And the weirdness continues

So yeah, "The Omega Man" got watched fairly early today (1 pm, as compared to my usual movie-viewing time of around 1 am), bringing the Charlton Heston sci-fi fest of the last few months to an end. Sadly. It wasn't as bad as I remembered, possibly because beer was consumed also. Or else (heaven forbid) I'm developing a taste for seeing a shirtless Heston.

That was a lame attempt at a joke.

Other than that, I haven't accomplished much, except for discovering that the bread I bought yesterday to eat with my soup was moldy. Of course, I discovered that as I was munching on the bread.

That'll teach me to try to eat healthier. From now on, it's a steady diet of Taco Bell for me.

posted by Skattieboy @ 7:20 PM

A little bit extra

Sort of a PS, but since these entries are organized the way they are, ascending rather than descending, if I called this a PS, it would look a tad funny.

*Ahem*

Erin rated my blog intelligent, which brought a smile to my face and made me wonder what she's smoking but not sharing. Uh, self-deprecation aside, you should really read her stuff, too. And I'd be remiss if I didn't note that Jodi overhauled her weblog design, too, because she's one of those people who can. Hissssssssssssss. Let's all join together and hiss people with webdesign skills.

Kidding. I'm kidding.

I should note that the pretense for lunch yesterday was to get together to discuss this camp I'll be getting therapeutic experience at. It's a camp for kids with asthma, and I'll be acting as part of a therapy team, putting together behavioral programs for the camp counselors to use with the little wheezers (I can poke fun, being a fellow hemorrhoid, I mean, asthma sufferer), and acting as a therapy support as needed. I'm pretty excited, honestly.

posted by Skattieboy @ 10:45 AM

Hmmmmmmmm

Hmmmmmmm... Just mulling over my day. It felt odd, but it was actually pretty nice. Just a bit of moodiness, I suppose.

Before I try to detail that, you should know that this morning's entry comes accompanied by a Fishbone soundtrack. But only if you provide the music, too, because while I can hear it, it's probably only in your head. Uh, actually, I'd love to leave music links up here for you, but since I'm lucky if I can just get the stupid connection with MSN to stay open for more than 15 minutes at a time, that's just not going to happen... Anyway, I've been humming "Party at Ground Zero" for a couple weeks without having listened to it, so I broke down and dug it out today, so I have yet another huge grin on my face.

Yeah...

I've decided that in order to work in a sporting goods store, you don't need to have much of a working brain. Just enough to get dressed, stand, and speak. But not to listen. No. Never to listen.

The reason for those disparaging comments? My bud John and I were planning to get up early today (a task which probably wouldn't have been accomplished, anyway, but I digress) and heading out to Boulder to try out the disc golf courses there. He's never been, you see. So he needed to get discs. So (smart and prepared guy that I am) I called the sporting goods store (*cough**cough* Gart Sports *cough* morons *cough*) to make certain they had discs for disc golf. "You mean the equipment or the golf discs?" "Just the discs" "Oh, well, yeah, we have them". So we arrived there and the help is all conveniently huddled by the register, despite the fact that there are about a million customers wandering around looking baffled and lost. "Where are your golf discs?" "Under the stairs to your left". And we find that they're Ultimate Frisbee discs. Yeah. Not golf discs. Ultimate. "Those are Ultimate discs" "Oh. They're not the same thing?" "No" "Oh. Well, sorry. I guess we don't have them, then" "Yeah. I guess you don't". Cretins.

So we drove to LoDo to drown our sour discontent in good beer, and we sat on the patio staring across the street at the pot-bellied pigs, er, guys going into Hooters, making up fake dialogue for them. It was all beer-inspired, so it's useless for me to try to recreate the wittiness, or perceived wittiness.

Then over to check out the Cherry Blossom Festival, which was pretty disappointingly disorganized, with very little going on, other than a public-joined dance perfomance.

Disappointed again, we headed off to get a mixed drink on a rooftop bar, which proved to have a lovely view and overpriced, poorly mixed g & t's.

But I swear it wasn't a bad day, really.

A little goofy, we got back and proceeded to laugh like a couple goons through "Airplane", and convinced we had to find the rest of the Zucker and Abrahams collaborations, wandered down Colfax, past all the sad junkies and alkies (and I'm really not exaggerating here), to the independently-owned video store, which categorizes all their videos in this odd system that requires a catalog to reason out, only to settle on "The Omega Man" (because we've been on this corny Heston-fest quest of late, to worship the king of wood, conservative jerk or not) and "Hot Shots" (which was John's choice, not mine). I promptly got back and started falling sleep, so came back here.

Oh, and I had a good lunch in the afternoon, and saw some more of somebody pretty cute, so I was happy.

I really should make those revisions, but it can wait until tomorrow.

posted by Skattieboy @ 9:48 AM

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